Falling
by iRiDeScEnT DrReAm
Summary: "Love was just as beautiful as the falling leaves, but it could be destroyed too. Crushed and stomped on like the leaves littering the pavement. Torn apart and squished like a bug. Tessa felt as if she were drowning, falling like the swirling leaves, falling into the depths of her grief and aching sadness."


**This is the kind of thing that happens when you listen to too many sad instrumentals and have too much feels bottled up.**

 **Im going to be sleep deprived tomorrow, but a small sacrifice to make for My OTP.**

 **Happy reading.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own The Infernal Devices.**

 **Falling**

The leaves fell in the most beautiful way.

The slanting rays of the setting sun filtered through the trees, turning the world around her into a kaleidoscope of red and gold and orange, the leaves twirling around in the cold autumn air, dust particles shimmering in the light, every individual vein of red or orange lit up in fiery lines of gold as the leaves spun gently to earth.

The world around her was ablaze with colour and yet all Tessa could see was darkness.

The darkness of being immortal and yet loving that which was not.

Not for the first time in her long life, she felt the burden of immortality press upon her shoulders. She saw a future spiraling into the unknown, the days and weeks and months and years that awaited her, time that she would have to spend alone.

That she would have to spend without Will.

 _Do. Not. Cry_.

Gritting her teeth, Tessa looked up into the blazing light of the sinking sun, willing herself to endure the almost unbearable brightness, nearly chewing her lips to shreds.

 _Not here. Not now. Not like this_.

As if new, the grief of Will's death surrounded Tessa like chains enclosing around her heart and she reached out blindly, for strength, for support, for something to shield her from the terrible pain in her chest.

With a lurch of terrible sadness, she realized she was reaching out for Will.

But Will would never be there to shelter her again.

The tears seemed to be out of her control. They built up behind her eyelids like a burning pressure that refused to leave, spilled out of her eyes and traced their paths down her cheeks. Her fingertips found the rough bark of the tree, and then she collapsed against it as if she had suddenly gone boneless.

She didn't want to remember his death, the fear that had enclosed her in the last few years of his life, and yet she desperately wanted to preserve every memory she had of him. She wanted to be like any other nineteen year old girl walking the streets of New York, and yet she knew her life could never be that simple again.

Terrified to remember, terrified to forget - it was a fine line to walk.

Will had loved to take her on walks, no matter where it was. He would chatter on endlessly about the most mundane topics - about the weather, about Jamie and Lucie, about one of his horrendous poems.

Tessa half-laughed through her tears, remembering the God-awful poems Will had written for her year after year for their anniversary, poems that she'd told him were terrible but saved carefully, lovingly, all the same.

Poem that were currently sitting in a box inside her nightstand, all fifty nine of them.

She sat half-huddled under the oak tree, leaves falling on her brown hair, her clothes, settling all around her. She felt the sudden ache in her chest, the Will-shaped hole that had been torn in her heart when he'd died. She missed him. She missed his smile. She missed his terrible poetry, and his sarcasm. She missed his laughing blue eyes and the way he had always been able to find the humor in everything. She missed his unrelenting fear of ducks and his godda

* * *

mn stubbornness. But most of all, she missed being loved.

Love, Tessa thought, was like the brightly colored falling leaves around her. Love was bright and new and bold, and it made you smile. Her love for Will had been a roaring fire, and even now, decades later, it hadn't dimmed in the slightest. Love had burned through her being and filled her with warmth, and now she felt as bereft as if she had been left homeless in the coldest winter.

Love was just as beautiful as the falling leaves, but it could be destroyed too. Crushed and stomped on like the leaves littering the pavement. Torn apart and squished like a bug.

She missed the feeling of love.

 _"No matter where you are, Tess, or where you go, I will always be with you."_

Tessa felt the sinking sensation of deep despair. _You lied, Will. You said you would always be with me, but you aren't. How can I go on, when you aren't here to help me? How can I go on when I know I will never see you again?_

She felt like every ounce of strength had been sapped out of her body as she leaned against the strong wood, wrapping her arms around her torso as if she could hold herself together by doing so, like that could stitch up the gaping abyss in her chest.

Tessa dashed viciously at her cheeks, wiping away the tearstains and burying her head in her arms. _Stop crying. No more tears._

The sky was darkening, turning a deep shade of blue, and her heart gave a painful lurch. She wanted to look away and yet she tilted her face up to the heavens, drinking in every detail, scanning the wide expanse of indigo blue. Every look felt like drinking cyanide, but the colour was perfect. The same violet blue that Will's eyes had always been, eyes that could be tender and loving and witty and sharp and true and honest - everything that Will was.

Tessa felt as she were drowning, falling like the swirling leaves, falling into the depths of her grief and aching sadness.

"Where are you?" She whispered. "Can you hear me, Will? Are you here?"

The path was clear and the sky was deep indigo now. She looked at the sky and the trees and the still beautiful leaves, falling to the ground, just like she was always falling, and she reached out a hand for someone to catch her.

Suddenly, two strong hands clasped her arms, and she gasped as she felt someone lift her up, gently, tenderly, and set her on her feet. _Magnus_ , she thought, but then arms folded her into a loving embrace, and she froze. "Will?"

"Tess." His voice was low, and tender.

"No." She shook her head. "No, it can't be you." She buried her face in his chest, breathing in the familiar smell of Will as he tightened his arms around her.

"Tessa," she felt Will's fingers under her chin, felt him lift her face up towards him. "Tessa. I don't have much time. Please look at me."

Reluctantly, she opened her eyes, and her breath caught in her throat.

It was Will as she had first known and loved him, Will at barely seventeen with his dark hair curling at the nape of his neck and his blue eyes bright and full of love, his face still youthful and unlined.

"Will," she breathed, and it felt as if a dam had burst. "Oh Will, I missed you so much. I don't know how to go on without you by my side, and I try, but it's just so hard..."

"Tess," Will's voice was rough. "My Tess. You have suffered so much."

And then he was kissing her, kissing her everywhere - her lips, her cheeks, her forehead, her eyelids, her neck, her collarbone, and she felt that long dormant fire burn to life in her veins as her skin recognized Will's touch, Will's lips, that feeling that she had lived without for the past two decades...

"Tessa," He stopped and pulled back, cupping her face tenderly. "I am always with you."

She shook her head, tears spilling from her eyes. "Then why do I never see you?"

"Tess," Will said softly. "I am a part of you, just as you are a part of me. I have told you before, my love. Our souls are as much a part of one another's as our own. When you walk, I will walk with you. When you face hardship, I will be by your side. I am in every vein of your body, ready to guide you. No matter what you face in your life Tessa, know that I am always beside you in it all."

"Will I ever see you again?"

Will smiled at her, a smiling of aching sadness. "I can't see you all the time, Tessa. This is the last time I will be able to see you face to face, because after this time, right here, right now, it will be impossible."

Tessa felt a rising sense of panic, and she clutched at him more desperately, searching every inch of his face, trying to commit it all to memory. His hair, eyes, smile, laugh, things that she would always treasure, things that could never be forgotten.

"Tessa." Will's voice was gentle. "I need to go."

"But when you aren't here, I feel like I'm falling."

"Then I'll be your parachute. In your darkest moments, your deepest grief, I will be there to pull you up again, Tess. You need to be strong, to be brave."

"How can I be, when you've left me forever?"

"Tessa, I am always with you. I promised you. Even after you've moved on and found a new man to sweep you off your feet and kiss you goodnight snd love you like you should be loved, I will always be here. "

"I can't love anyone else, Will. All my life - for so many years - I have only ever loved you and Jem, and you are both gone from me forever." She reached up and pulled him down to her again, pouring all her love, her grief, her emotion into the kiss, pleading with him to stay.

Will stroked her hair, her cheekbones, gazing at her as if he could never get enough. "My Tess. My brave, strong girl. You have to move on. You can't let me hold you back. I may not be there physically to hold, to kiss, to hug or sleep next to at night, but I will always stay with you. And I know you will always remember me. As long as there is love and memory, Tessa, there is no true loss."

"Oh Will," she said through her tears. "I love you, I love you so much."

He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and wiped her tears away. "I love you Tessa. I've always loved you, and I always will."

He stepped away, and she moved toward him instinctively. _Don't go, please. Stay with me_.

"Will?"

"I want you to promise me, Tessa. Promise me that you'll move on, that you'll find someone else who will love you like you ought to be loved. Someone who will do anything just to see you smile, who will be your rock when I can't. Please. Promise me."

"Will," she breathed in despair. He had said he would always be with her, but she would never see him again except in those precious memories she'd carefully locked away in her mind.

"Promise me," he said, and she reached out toward him but the more she moved to get closer, the further away he seemed to be.

"I promise," she whispered, and moved forward, her fingers reaching to clasp his hand, to wrap her arms around him for one last hug -

But Will was gone now. He had dissolved into the red-orange array of the falling leaves, to be spun about and scattered by the autumn wind and drift gently to earth, trampled on and forgotten.


End file.
